March 13, 2010

fair trade

Posted in shit happening tagged , , at 5:30 pm by ben

“Life isn’t fair and nobody promised it would be.”

My therapist had me write this on a post-it and put it on my bathroom mirror.  This was about sixteen years ago, I am not currently in therapy although I could probably use it now more than ever.  Or maybe I just want some psychotropic drugs, to take the edge off.

I kid!  Mostly.

A friend of mine recently asked me if I really thought I needed therapy.  I told her I have more issues than National Geographic… although my tits are higher than most of the women in that magazine.  I can’t flip my boobs over my shoulders FTW!

My life (particularly my childhood) has been riddled with injustice.  It wasn’t fair that my brother was allowed to stay up ‘til nine, when I was his age I had to go to bed at eight thirty!  It wasn’t fair that my mom made popcorn when she thought we were asleep so she wouldn’t have to share.  It wasn’t fair that my parents gave my brother his first car and I had to pay for mine.  It wasn’t fair that I looked after my teeth and still had cavities while my lazy sibling never brushed or flossed and always had perfect check-ups.  There is no worse feeling for a kid than to know you’ve done the work and someone else gets the accolades (rubber balls or stickers as it were).  His picture went on the wall with fanfare, I got the “tsk” of  shame and an appointment for yet another filling.

Through my teens it didn’t get any better.  It wasn’t fair that the boy I liked preferred my best friend.  It wasn’t fair that other kids could eat all the junk food they wanted and never gain an ounce while I was on the eternal diet.

I could go on but I don’t want you all sobbing on your computers and getting tears in the circuitry and electrocuting yourselves.

Now just because I found so much inequality through my life doesn’t mean I kvetch about it.  I’m not a whiner by nature but I am a rememberer.  I might forgive, but I never forget.  I bitch about stuff on here and my friends have heard it on ocasion but generally I try not to be that person.  I know women who are all about the negative, “Oh woe is me, everything sucks and I am so hard done by.” Eat a bullet if it’s that bad.

I am callous.

Not really.  In person I would be kind.  In text it’s easier to be bitchy.

So where am I going with all of this?  I have no fucking idea.  Sometimes these things take on a life of their own and I get led astray.

My cousin/business partner Trixie, her husband, their kids and her parents are all in California for the month of March.  My own parents are headed to Vegas for two weeks and then to California to spend a few days with the family.  It’s not enough that I get left behind, I also get swamped at work (looking after her clients) plus I get dead Nana duty.

My mom had the papers drawn up last week.  If my grandmother dies while they are gone I have to deal with her remains.  Now it’s not like I have to perform an autopsy or do her hair and make-up or anything, I just have to deal with the cremation and her ashes until everyone is home and we can do some sort of memorial (she doesn’t want a funeral).  It’s already been decided that they won’t cut their vacation short if Nana kicks it.  There is no point.  She won’t be going anywhere.

What are the odds?

Better than me winning the lottery.

Grandma has Dementia/Alzheimer’s and there is nothing left on her cracker but a trail where the cheese slid off.  She is on a swift decline, most days she is completely out of it.  She doesn’t recognize anyone and she’s all but stopped talking, unless she wants hot chocolate, she is obsessed with hot chocolate.  But, in fairness maybe it’s not obsession as much as she forgets she’s had one (or six) already that day.  She has had two mini strokes and she is now incontinent.  For her sake I hope it ends soon.  There is no dignity in shitting your pants and not knowing if you’re Arthur or Martha.  We put our pets down when they are old or ill.  We spare them the pain and indignity, why can’t we do the same for people.  My grandmother would be mortified if she knew she’d go this route.  She was far too classy to go out this way.  That is the epitome of unfair.

So, while everyone else is funning and sunning, I will do what needs to be done here whatever that entails because no matter how unfair the situation is for me, it’s so much worse for my grandmother.  When it’s my turn I hope that with a little help from Karma someone will be there for me, and that there will be a better way to go.

I am writing a new affirmation for my mirror.  “Suck it up Princess, life is hard… the alternative is worse.”