March 15, 2011

derailed, deranged and dejected but not defeated

Posted in Uncategorized at 5:45 am by ben

It has been nearly a year since I last posted.  Sounds like confession.  Fortunately I am not catholic so there are no confessions for me to have forgiven.  I have to learn to forgive others and forgive myself, never mind looking for some divine absolution.

I fully realize I may just be shouting into the breeze here and the truth is it’s ok if I am.  I’ve been a bad blog friend as well as a crappy blogger so I completely understand if I’ve been blogballed.  I just made that up!  It seems also that facebook and twitter have further diminished bloggery and for that I am sad.  I will forever lament the MB days and I will always be grateful for the connections and friendships I found there.  I am missing writing however and I figured what better way than this to reconnect with words?!  Speaking of forgiveness, please go easy on me, it’s been a while and my writing tools and brain are a little dull.

Since I have been away so long I figured an update was necessary, so here it is, my year in review…

Trixie and I fell apart.  The story is long and painful and perhaps at some point I will get into it on here but I have told the story so many times I am sick of hearing it.  Suffice to say that she wounded me deeply, she took from me my job, my family (her family), my happy place (the lake will be awkward and uncomfortable with all of the bitterness and anger between us) and she tore me down to such depths that I thought I might never rebuild.  Her reasons were petty and don’t make sense yet she justifies everything and has turned me into the villain.  I really still don’t understand completely where the animosity and venom came from, I just know I was the target and it hurt.  A lot.

I was so devastated by the loss (it was like a death) that I fell into a pretty dark despair.  I didn’t want to live anymore.  I wasn’t suicidal, I just didn’t care to live.  If it hadn’t been for my husband I might have just stopped breathing.  He urged me to continue what I do and he found me a new office space (that is three times the size of the one we shared and cheaper rent!), he helped me renovate, he built cabinets and a vanity and dealt with the plumber and the landlord and everything else I couldn’t handle.  I was afraid of my own shadow.  I still didn’t know what I did wrong so I was second guessing every move.  I was also incredibly depressed and spiraling deeper every day.  I didn’t recognize myself.

As if the devastation of my personal, familial and work life wasn’t enough to deal with, I had surgery to boot.  I finally got my nose fixed.  No, not a nose job, it is the only part of my body that doesn’t need work!  They did a turbinectomy and septal reconstruction to adjust my septum so that if and when I get bloody noses they will now supposedly be easier to stop.  Of course I won’t know if it worked until I get another gusher.  I do plan to write more about the surgery one day, it was a nightmare, I was awake!  Yes, fully aware of the chisel and felt the tapping and the doc had to tell me to close my eyes!  More on that another time.

In the thick of the ugliness (which didn’t need to get ugly to start with had she just been honest with me) I was taking an ativan (sometimes two) before going in the door in the morning because I was so on edge and so afraid of how bitchy she was going to be that day.  It was one such morning when her perfunctory “good morning” was snarled through gritted teeth that I made my way down the hall and into a counseling center.  I had been wanting to go for some time to see someone, it took her pushing me over the edge to be able to walk through the doors and say aloud, “I need help.”

In some ways I felt like an abused spouse.  I took a lot of shit for a long time and never said or did anything about it because I wanted to keep the peace and I didn’t want to upset the family balance and I didn’t want to hurt the children and husbands.  Wow, it’s so bizarre to look back at it now with some distance and a little more clarity.  My therapist says there are lessons in all of the bad shit that happens to us and we discussed what my lesson in this might be.  I told her I am smart enough, I really don’t need any more lessons!  I thought then that maybe I was meant to learn that I was stronger and could endure more than I thought but it wasn’t until this moment that I wonder if maybe I was meant to grow a backbone.

I am not spineless in general but I learned at a very young age to keep my mouth shut and avoid confrontation at all cost.  I learned that lesson thanks to the sharp tongue and backhand of my mother.  Funny though, I have always been able to stand up for other people, just never for myself.  I guess if you paint “doormat” on your forehead you shouldn’t be surprised when people walk on you.

I am learning how to defend myself without being defensive.  I am learning how to accept what is and let go of what was.  I am also learning who my friends are and who really just wants to play the game.  I am letting go of the people who don’t love me for me and holding tighter to the people who really know me and see my warts (metaphorically speaking) and love me anyway.  I am also trying to cut the negativity out of my life.

That said, financially things have also turned further sour this past year.  We have considered bankruptcy, and although I am loathe to admit it I am doing so because with that admission comes a deeper truth and if there is any place (besides my therapists office) where I can be brutally honest it is here.  Instead of filing chapter 11 (or is it 13?) we have put our house up for sale.  If it sells we will be completely out of debt.  If it doesn’t we will have to reconsider everything.  I always feel the need to justify our debt.  It’s never been easy for us financially but the past few years have been one hit after another.  My husband’s job has been unstable, I had to start over in a new place and although I had help it still wasn’t cheap, we are supporting two households and as much assistance as we can give our kid… which is obviously not much at this point.  He has had to rely on student loans and it’s been a tough (no frills) road for him too.  We are not foolhardy with money, we aren’t frivolous and we don’t have expensive toys.  Our TV is 21 years old ffs!  It’s embarrassing to be in this position but it is what it is and hiding it won’t make it better.

So there it is, in brief (or as brief as I can be) the past year.  In a nutshell I’ve been disposable, broke, chiseled, bruised and in therapy but it’s getting better, I’m working on it (and me) and I hope it’s making me a better person… though I didn’t exactly think I was an asshole before.  My world is not all gloom and doom of course and soon enough I’ll get into that too.  Sometimes apparently you have to endure the dark before you get to see the light.

It feels good to be back.

 

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8 Comments »

  1. heartinhand said,

    First!!!!11!one!!!111!

    Ahem. I’m glad to see that you’ve blogged! Your words are like a balm on my chapped heart! (Too dramatic?)

    Okay, whatevs. Anyway, honey pie, glad to see you got it all out. It means you’re healing and coming back to us. Yay!

    Trixie’s a fool, she doesn’t know what a sweet thang she gave up. Fuck her. (See how trash-talky I can be?) Sell your house and come live up here and you can hang out with someone that’s cool AND who loves you. =)

  2. heartinhand said,

    Uhh, for the record, that “someone” would be me. You knew that though, right? RIGHT?! 😉

  3. Wanda (heavensdevil) said,

    Welcome back my friend!!!! I have missed you! Wish I could have been there to help you through this past year. Take care of you and yours…:)

  4. ulla said,

    blogballed..i likes it!

    i’m sorry about it all, i wish life was just v freaking GOOD for you – dammit i think you deserve it.

    shoot me an email sometime pls, wanna say something to you in pvt …

    hugs, ben.

    and…fuck you…. 😉

  5. Moominboy said,

    No blogballing here! I am glad that you are writing again 😀

    Sorry to hear about your year, though. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything comfortable and secure for you guys, as Blu said you deserve it. You are good folks who helped a scandinavian moomin to have a trip of his life 🙂

    I also pop a preemptive panic pill whenever I meet my mother. I wish her well and all, but it’s healthier this way. Glad you had a therapist to talk to. I found that it makes things easier. I’m rooting for you guys, as always! Looking forward to more scribbling 🙂

  6. Squilla said,

    I love you so much, Ben, and am so so sorry it has been such a terrible time. May the rollercoaster of life now finally be on an upswing for you, gorgeous. *big smooches and so happy you are back at the keyboard* 😀 XXXXXX

  7. LOTGK said,

    Hey, you appeared in my RSS feed. What a surprise. Methought you only Twittered these days.
    Great to see you on board again, and sorry about the past year. But it’s spring time, that means Canada only got 4 inches of snow today. 😀

  8. honeychild said,

    Glad to have you back ben hunxxxxxx I too miss the MB days and blogging :/ it was a kind of a balm to be able to talk (write? lol) about stuff to people (majority of) that you’ve never met yet are friends with.

    I have missed you and I hope this is the turn point for you.

    I love ya xxxx


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