February 9, 2010

pharmaceutical pursuits

Posted in whine and cheese at 4:23 am by ben

I heard this morning that there is a new gum for men that works like Viagra.  Seriously?  We’re still researching men’s equipment failures when there are real diseases without cures?  And not only do we have to spend kajillions to get their tackle up but we also had to find an easier method of dosing to provide erectile functionality.  If pills are too complicated how do they plan to fuck??  Or maybe they need a little gumming there too.  I shake my head.  I guess it shows who’s financing research… soft rich men.

I have often wondered if women held the purse strings what they would be researching.  I’d be willing to bet there’d be a lot more done in children’s medicine and maybe someone would finally give a shit about women’s health.  Menstrual cramping, PMS and menopause relief (that doesn’t require the use of pregnant horse piss) are still in the dark ages technologically speaking and really, do we not complain enough about these things to make them worth finding cures for just to shut us up??!

If  men were really on the ball (so to speak) they’d be coming up with drugs (gum, CHOCOLATE) to turn women on because that would be even more to their benefit.  How many men would love to be able to skip the “work” of foreplay and just have their wives (girlfriends, interns, hookers) pop a pill and be good to go.  But no, the men who SHOULD think that way don’t think that way.  They are the kind of men who are only concerned with their own needs and who really believe that as long as their penis is rigid, that in itself is gift to the woman.  This kind of man can (and should) be replaced by a zucchini.

Now I’m not saying that all men who use drugs to stiffen their staff are selfish and self absorbed, I’m just saying that great sex requires more than just a a hardon… for a woman at least.  Frankly I am surprised more women don’t invest in saltpeter just to keep that wily one-eyed worm at bay.  Or maybe they do and men just THINK they have erectile disfunction.  Now that’s an interesting concept.  How awesome would it be to discover after all these years that men really don’t have erectile issues at all, instead their wives were just dosing them with phallic softener.  Brilliant and cruel, I love it.

Speaking of cruelty, whatever is going on in my head has surpassed cruel and moved on to viciously sadistic.  I was very careful with my nose and did nothing to disturb it all week but on Sunday morning I blew it without thinking and the geyser began again.  Fuck.

My husband wanted me to go back to the hospital but I just didn’t have it in me to go through all of that again so after about an hour I managed to get the blood to stop gushing.  I used a tampon to plug it, very absorbent those things, it worked great (I did cut off the string, I am not completely vulgar).  I spent the rest of the day being very still and trying not to aggravate it and get it pouring again.  The headache is the really sucky part of it all, it’s constant and it feels like my head has a lead balloon inside of it.  My sinuses feel full of what I can only imagine is dried blood and the steady dull pain radiates out from deep between my eyes.  I will go see the doctor to get it checked out in case there is more to it or even just to get some better drugs for the pain.  I’m popping Tylenol by the handful and it’s not even touching it.  I have convinced myself it’s a tumor and I am naming it “Tina”.

Tina Tumor!

*slaps knee*

Speaking of drugs and entirely off topic, I have been thinking I’d like to try growing a little cannabis.  I don’t want to smoke it or sell it, I just think they are cool plants and I want to try to grow a few.  I have a client who is in the know about all things Mary Jane so I asked her if she’s ever started hers from seed and how I would go about it.  She gave me some tips and said she only grows three or four plants but that is enough to last her all winter… for ‘medicinal’ use of course.  She offered to get me a few seeds so I am totally excited to try it out.

When I told my husband I was planning on growing a couple pot plants he said “Meth is easier to make.”

I didn’t even know how to respond to that.



  1. me said,

    tina the tampon tumour..

    ben, get it checked out as much as you need to, as early as you can.

    or ima beat you up.

  2. Rox said,

    I’m not going to go to WebMD and look up bloody noses. I’m not. So you’d better go get your sniffer looked at.

    I remember when I was a young teen, my dad grew some weed from the seed. If he can do it, you can too! Although I won’t harbor nearly as much resentment if you do it…

  3. moominboy said,

    Brilliant response by Ken 😀

    Seriously, they haven’t figured out what causes it? You can’t lose that much blood at this pace, it is definitely not healthy. I bet it’s not a tumor but perhaps it’s some form of hemophilia? Either way, do some thorough testing or else we will worry horribly 😦

  4. Ryan Starr said,

    Don’t want to invite bad karma on myself here, but maybe if men can’t get it up naturally, they shouldn’t get it up… y’know, that whole Darwinism thing…

    BTW: Get your fucking nose sorted out — go to Calgary or something…

  5. LOTGK said,

    “Meth is easier to make.”

    I didn’t even know how to respond to that.

    Just tell him to put his penis here and if it happened to find its way into your vagina, its OK.


  6. krissie said,

    I snorted so hard in mirth I’m surprised I didn’t have a bloody nose gusher as well! Go back to the docs, tell em they have to HELP you or you’re going to poke them with a vicious looking sharp pointy thing. Anything, just get it sorted hun, this can’t go on 😦

    Ken, you are my hero LMAO!

    Ooooh DON’T get me on about women’s things pleeease. Yes, men should be less worried about their soft dicks and be more worried about the pre menstrual mad woman battering his brains in for BEING a dick and NOT giving her a) chocolate/sweeties b) a bit of sympathy/gentle hugs if required c) agreement in ALL things and d) space when she ‘looks’ at you.

    Plus, whichever turd came up with the ‘Have a happy period, Always’ slogan is miiiine. That twat better NOT cross my path any time soon. *snort* Happy period indeed! F**king moron!

    And the answer to your unasked question, yes I am. 😉 LOL

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