06.23.09
on the purge
My world in bits and bites.
-My mother-in-law still does not have a surgery date and I am getting pretty pissed off about it. In two weeks she went from having one spot on her kidney to having three. They know where the cancer is, they know what has to be done and someone is still dragging their feet. She refuses to let me call them, she is trying to be patient and is probably afraid that I will make someone mad and prolong things even more but she is feeling lousy and getting very frustrated. She sleeps a lot and she cries a lot and nobody deserves that, least of all her. I might be forced to kick some ass… and I might take a great deal of pleasure from that.
-My husband’s brother Earl came out to see his mom (Katy) a couple weeks ago. He put on the big altruistic front but he is nothing but a selfish, self-absorbed, cockknocker with a god complex. We went for dinner and all he did was complain about staying at his mom’s… her home was small, stinky, noisy and he doesn’t like the man she’s been with for 20 years. I told him repeatedly “Suck it up (princess) it isn’t about you!” I could see that Katy and Sal were uncomfortable having Earl at their place so after two glasses of wine I offered to let him stay at our house. My husband’s eyes got really big. He was on graveyard shift that week and he knows I can’t stand Earl and he would never have made such an offer as he knows better than to put me in the position of playing hostess to his asshole brother. One more glass of wine and I might have invited Hitler to come for a visit. Shockingly, my bil immediately accepted my offer. I was mortified and about to break up with wine for betraying me but as it turns out it was a cathartic experience. I am not the 21 year old he walked over and mistreated 21 years ago at my wedding. I am not afraid of or intimidated by him in the least and having him here allowed me to vent and speak my peace about all of the mistreating he has done to me as well as his family. I did not attack him, but when a topic came up I spoke my mind and let him have it.
One conversation went as follows:
“You know what I remember about your wedding?” he asked.
“That you spent the entire weekend telling everyone that we shouldn’t be getting married? Or that we were too young, or that you claimed I was trapping your brother by getting knocked up? Ot that I was just after his money… which I am still looking for by the way.” I struck fast and hard.
“I was going to say the mosquitoes.” He winced a little.
Of course he retracted much of what he had said but he also defended himself. I expected no less but I felt better about it. I was far more angry about his treatment of his mother and how he could come all the way out here (for the first time in 21 years) and be so cunty toward her. I made it very clear that his actions were unconscionable and unacceptable at any time but more so given her current condition. I told him he was a bully and his intensity and narrow-mindedness are not what she needs right now (or ever) and that he should get the fuck off her back and accept that this is who she is and how she chooses to live her life. He took most of my criticism well but the sad fact is that in his mind everything (and everyone) should be a certain way and anything less is worthy of his scorn.
My husband was appalled at some of his brothers words and behaviour and stated matter of factly “He needs medication.”
I told my son of my experience with the houseguest from hell and all of his OCD and ADD and twitchy high strung actions and The Boy said “Oh my god, he is dad times ten!”
Earl was sadder to leave than we were to see him go but I am relieved that I got the opportunity to purge and defend my MIL. Earl is, was and always will be, a dick.
Dick, dick dick dick of Earl.
-Speaking of purging, I also recently had a small (but powerful) breakthrough with my mother. She got snarky with me over a comment I made about childhood responsibilities, “Oh here we go, all about your horrible childhood.” she rolled her eyes in exasperation. I (very calmly) explained to her that I did not have a horrible childhood but that I felt neglected by her as a kid. My younger brother got a lot of attention because he was sick for his first three years and a badass as he got older and my baby brother was the golden child and perfection in a diaper so even as a teenager I (felt like I) didn’t matter. I was a sad child who became a pissed off teenager who turned into a bitter adult. For the first time I was able to defend that little girl who felt unworthy, unaccepted and often unloved. I got to stand up for the injustices she felt.
At first my mother was defensive but I kept my voice soft and was very clear that despite all circumstances it was how I felt at the time and whether or not they were justified or exaggerated they were MY feelings to feel. I think she got it. At one point she admitted that she didn’t feel like I needed her. My mom thrives on being needed, it’s like her purpose and gaining that knowledge spoke volumes to me. We both gained some understanding that day.
When she left she hugged me hard and said “Don’t ever think that there was ever a moment that I never loved you.”
We may have turned a corner.
-Without going into too much detail (because I don’t know if he’d have issues with me sharing) my baby brother is not well. He’s lost a lot of weight since February and not because he is trying. His belly is a mess and he has panic attacks when he eats making him unable to eat much at all. My SIL is afraid, she doesn’t know how to help him and the tests that their doc is doing are taking too long and thus far nothing is improving. They were here this weekend and I hardly recognize my brother, he neither looks nor acts like himself. I am very concerned and would do anything for my brother but there is nothing I can do and I am feeling horribly helpless.
-In lighter news, I have lost 41 lbs since February (although unlike my brother I have to work at it every day) and I am desperate for some clothes that do not hang off of me so my husband is taking me to the city for a bit of a shopping trip for our anniversary and my birthday and to shut me up about not having anything to wear.
-In even better news, MY BOY IS COMING HOME!!!! He finished his exams in the middle of August and then he has almost three weeks before his next term begins. I am beyond excited that I’ll get to (s)mother him for that long when I haven’t even seen him since Xmas. I am counting the days! 52 to go!!
06.15.09
soul train
I have a little known form of Attention Deficit Disorder that I refer to as my Short Obsession Span (SOS). I discover something I love and I love it and love it until I smother the crap out of it and then I move on to the next thing. Some of my fickle fascinations and fleeting preoccupations have included; certain boys (I was a stalker before stalking was cool… or a crime), Russian history (I convinced myself I was a lost Romanov), crotcheting (there are seven unfinished afghans in my basement), entertaining, crafting, home repair, Scrabble and most recently poker but I lost $400,000 dollars in fake money so now I can’t even afford fake boobs and suddenly I don’t want to play anymore.
I have moved on to gardening now, cause that’s how I roll.
My husband is exempt from the SOS, I figure he has some kind of multiple personality disorder that continually evolves him into yet another insane guy I love. For almost 21 years he’s kept me guessing and on my toes (and occasionally on my back) so we have a good balance and we gel so I don’t get bored with him.
Music is where the SOS (and not the ABBA song) really manifests itself. I listen to something I like over and over again ad nauseum until I hate it because I have heard it too much. The radio makes this process a little speedier but it never fails that if I love a song I will inevitably sicken myself on it like a kid on too much candy… except I don’t think any song has ever made me throw up though “Who Let The Dogs Out” might have come close.
I worked at a music store for many many years. I had access to hundreds and hundreds of CDs and I listened to almost everything… for a little while. In 1995 All of that changed. That was the year that Collective Soul released their self titled disc and music would never be the same for me. The world I know changed the day I slid that yellow disc (I have since gotten the blue variant as well) into the machine and pressed “Play”. There was something about that first album that grabbed me by the ears and would not let me go. I played that CD endlessly, at home, in my car and at work. I knew it by heart and sang along with every lyric… when nobody else was around to hear me of course, I might know all of the words but Ed carries a way better tune.
My son, who was seven at the time was as much a fan as I was, he has always been a smashing young man with great taste in music… he gets that from me. Some people however were less than thrilled with my perpetual Soul train. My boss would roll his eyes at me when he’d walk in the door and customers would chide me, “Brenda, there are other CDs you know!”
It was then that I backtracked through the catalogue and discovered Hints Allegations and Things Left Unsaid. And so it went, Collective Soul had created a monster.
A couple years later I was working at Blockbuster Video and at that time the rental giant sold CDs. I was ecstatic to discover that CS was releasing a new disc so I badgered and begged the manager to order a copy for me and to phone me immediately when the freight came in and I would pick it up. I literally bounced into the store when the boss finally called me to tell me my disc had arrived. He knew how anxious I was for the CD so he had it ready for me to pay quickly and get out so I could give it a listen. He handed the disc to me and it took all I had to hold back the tears. He had mistakenly ordered The Soul Collection… Motown hits. I nearly had an undisciplined breakdown of my own. I only had to wait a few more days for the correct CD but the funny thing is that I actually ended up buying The Soul Collection as well.
Collective Soul has been a constant in the soundtrack of my life over the past 14 years, I have every disc (and two of the self titled) and they are the predominant players in my car, on my computer and on my iPod. In fact when I am having one of those days where nothing makes me happy musically and I am skipping from song to song trying to find something that doesn’t bore me, inevitably it is a CS song that makes me stop and listen and say “Oh I’m feeling better now.”
All that I know is that I am counting the days until their new disc comes out (August 25th)… yes I still buy CDs, I am a purist, my general attitude is that I am happy to pay for music and I like to have my own copy and the liner notes. I am also totally excited that they will be playing in Calgary on July 1st (Canada Day) it’s a long drive but it is the closest show to us and I am trying to convince my husband that he couldn’t give me a better (21st) anniversary gift than to take me to see one of my favorite bands live (as opposed to all the bands I see dead?! ?) Where there’s a will there’s a way and it would be a dandy life if I could finally catch their show. I promise I will breathe, I might scream and my panties won’t find their way onto the stage.
So here’s the simple run-down, If you have adored this band like I have or just want to know more about them, the tour is on now and the details are at http://www.collectivesoul.com/live/, I also highly recommend following them on Twitter at http://twitter.com/collective_soul (they actually follow back, interact with their fans and they even have contests!) and for all other news and band info check out this link http://www.collectivesoul.com/blog/ and this one http://www.collectivesoul.com/news/.
On that note (get it?) I take my leave with a favorite lyric that is appropriate to this post and my longest running obsessions, music, love, gardening and of course Collective Soul.
So plant a little seed
Soon it starts growing
Shed a little light
Soon we’ll be glowing
Hear a little tune
Soon we’ll start singing
Give a little love
Then love will start breathing
