Kayla wanted to help her mom make dinner.  Trixie lifted the little girl up onto the counter so she could see better, they were having roast chicken and the mother took the opportunity to give her child a fowl anatomy lesson.  “These are the legs, they attach to the thighs and these are the wings and these are the breasts right here on it’s back.”

My cousin Trixie (‘the pornstar manicurist’ as her husband calls her… and wishes!) is not just family, she is also my friend and my business partner.  We spend more time with each other than we do with our husbands.  Through the summer there were very few days we did not spend together.  There are times where she gets on my nerves and I need a break from her (while I am sure she NEVER needs time away from me!) though usually the sketchy moments are when the moon is telling us it’s almost time to go for a ride on the old menstrual cycle.  We both get pretty crabby with PMS so it’s hard when we are so close (literally, figuratively and relatively) not to take it out on each other.  Most of the time however we enjoy each other’s company and our clients say we’re fun to be around and we play off each other like a couple of comedians.  We like to keep them laughing (they tip better that way) and part of the reason we get along so well and are able to be so joined at the hip is because we can laugh at each other too.

Trix isn’t dumb but she’s not always the sharpest knife in the block either.  Her husband Harry calls me often, pissing himself laughing,  to tell me of something she’s said or of some colloquialism or cliche she’s fucked up.  Recently I started to compile them.

I present, the Trixionary

 

Brocko Bamma

He’s the President elect of the United States.  

You don’t put a new wheel on the car if the old one isn’t flat

Her version of ‘If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.’

 

 

Duck Feet

duck feet?

 

 

 

According to Trix the little squiggles beneath the vehicle are duck feet.  I asked her why they’d put duck feet under a car to signify a hazardous driving condition.  She explained to me that it means “Watch out, it’s slippery, put your duck feet on!”  
How can you argue with that logic??!
Oh and the guy driving… that’s Barney Rubble.

 

Nip it in the Butt

When your kids do something wrong you nip them in the butt so they don’t do it again.

 

Agony of the Feet

What you get after a long day of shopping especially if you’re wearing new shoes.

 

Chief, Cook and Bottled Water

The most important person in a group or company.  This is how she has referred to her father who manages a large local company.  She says they are all ‘top shelf’, the chief, the cook and the bottled water.  I tried to explain that the term was ‘chief cook and bottle washer’ but she ‘tsk’d’ me and said “There’s no such thing as a ‘chief cook’ and who washes bottles by hand anymore?!”

 

Don’t turn on the faucet if there’s only hot water coming out

Harry told me that when she came up with this gem he figured she was going for “Don’t rain on my parade.”

 

You couldn’t find your way out of a wet paper bag
Not even if you were fighting? 

 

Bowling ball in a china shop

“It’s a BULL in a China shop.” I corrected her.  

“How the fuck would a bull get in a China shop?”

“How would a bowling ball get in a China shop?” 

“You’d take it in there after bowling.”  

“A bull would do way more damage than a bowling ball though.” 

“A bowling ball could do a lot of damage if you threw it around.”

“I swear to you, the real saying is ‘Like a BULL in a China shop.”

“Well that’s just dumb.”

 

Jet Leg

“It’s not ‘lag’, what the fuck is ‘lag’?  It’s jet LEG, like after a long flight you get off the plane and you’re wobbly from sitting so long.”

 

I know you’re wondering about her past drug use at this point but she’s never done drugs, illicit, prescription or otherwise.  It does seem however that she either has very bad hearing, a really good imagination or she’s mildly retarded.