07.07.08
wiped out
Posted in shit happening tagged death, diarrhea, jesus cookies at 11:51 pm by ben
If I had the energy I would be writing my last will and testament right now. Fuck it, it’s not like I have anything of value to leave to anyone anyway. Instead I’ll take my last moments to blog about my impending death…or what feels like it might very well be death at least.
It began as a slight belly ache on Saturday afternoon. At first I didn’t think much of it, I hadn’t had a movement in a couple days (TMI!!!) so I figured my bodily disposal unit was just playing catch-up. As the evening progressed the pain increased as did my trips to the outhouse. I was trekking to the ‘long drop’ every two hours through the night and sometimes it took two trips before I felt like I was empty enough to get some sleep. By 4am I was exhausted, I took two Pepto Bismal and tried to relax and about the time I fell asleep the now familiar pressure had me tossing on my hoody and some pants and heading back down to the toilet. By 7am I was near tears and begging my husband to bring me home. Of course he obliged. It was obvious to the family how distressed I was, I never want to leave the lake early!
I had a hot bath…careful not to sneeze or cough…drank some Gatorade and went to bed. It was nearly 2pm before the urgency subsided and I finally got some rest. When I woke I felt much better. I had a little dinner and crashed again for the night. I was sure the worst was over.
It was not.
I had to work this morning so I had my alarm set. I didn’t need it. When that kind of intestinal wrenching pain seizes hold it is impossible…nay dangerous…to not heed its call. I went five times in the hour it took me to get ready for work and I barely made it to town before I had to go again. I went another four times before my first client arrived. I could barely stand up I was hurting so badly so I decided to cancel the rest of my day. Thankfully it was a short day for me anyway and everyone was completely understanding. I hate calling in sick even when I don’t have anyone to answer to.
I couldn’t even stop to pick up groceries, I was afraid I’d need a clean-up on aisle five. I drove home…very quickly…and got back into the bath to warm up. I am freezing even though it is sweltering outside. I tried to eat but knowing that what goes in must come out makes all food completely unappealing so I just went to bed. My legs are achy and my lower back hurts no doubt from all of the stand-up/sit-down/stand-up/sit-down I’ve been doing…it’s like my own Catholic wedding without the wine and crackers. I dozed for a while, cried for a bit and finally decided to get up and seek some online sympathy. I had a whole other post in my head for today but it’ll have to wait until I get my shit together (literally) and I am feeling better. If things are not coming out better tomorrow I will be going to the doctor but until then Dr. Google says to keep replenishing my fluids and to eat bland foods, no dairy and no caffeine. If the incessant shitting doesn’t kill me I am convinced that the caffeine withdrawal will.
If you think it is distasteful to read about this, imagine for a moment what it’s been like for me. I feel like I am turning inside-out, my entire body aches like I’ve been hanging out with Tyler Durden (I watched Fight Club last night) and my ass is so sore that even the softest tissue feels like 80 grit sandpaper, I am ready to start wiping with bunnies!
Faith said,
July 8, 2008 at 5:48 am
It’s odd that this just happened to you, as it happened to me recently as well. It did not, however, hit me as hard as you. It was pretty random, and didn’t involve puking.. just incessant trips to the toilet. Have you tried Immodium yet?? I took a dose of that and that was the end of it.
oniongirl said,
July 8, 2008 at 6:15 am
i reckon yu’re past the point of the pepto cure ben! the feverish cold thing doesnt ring comfort bells either. i agree with faith – try the immodium (loperamide) and if that doesnt sort you – save the bunnies…. see a quack (and i dont mean that you should use ducklings instead) can you get ‘chloropect’ there? has kaolin and morphine tincture in it – works the bomb for the spurts and the cramps?
the gatorade’s a good call, if its what i think it is – a kinda sportsmans juice electrolyte/mineral thing.
get well soon ben.
heartinhand said,
July 8, 2008 at 6:26 am
Skip the Pepto honey, go for the Immodium. As someone who gets the shits when I panic, Immodium is your friend in those loosey goosey moments. (Although a nice flat tummy can do wonders for a girl’s self esteem!)
Drink lots of Gatorade and if you can, eat some bananas too. They are bland but will give you much needed potassium.
So, do you think you’ve got West Nile Virus? Food poisoning? Denge fever? Malaria? IBS?
(Obsess much up here?)
ben said,
July 8, 2008 at 2:59 pm
I did try immodium…twice. It didn’t help at all. Dr. Google said to let it ‘pass’ because if it is bacterial some anti-diarrhea meds will just mask it.
The good news is I feel almost human this morning. There are twinges of pain but nothing like the last few days.
I don’t think it was food poisoning Rox, there was no vomiting and it wasn’t explosive. Besides, there was nothing that I ate or drank this weekend that nobody else did and yet I was the only one to get sick. West Nile isn’t here yet so I am guessing it must be Norwalk…from that cruise I went on. Ha!
And Onion… Yes, gatorade is for replacing electrolytes, it works very well. I have never heard of chloropect but anything with morphine is the bomb!!
krissie said,
July 8, 2008 at 7:32 pm
Gee Ben love, that takes the term ‘gut wrenching’ to a whole new level
Hopefully *keeps fingers crossed* that’s it now..(I nearly said ‘hopefully it’s passed now’ but I think it would have been a little bit toooo literal LOL)
(((hugs))) Bummer that you had to leave the lake early (pun intended ;D )
XXXX
thyme said,
July 8, 2008 at 7:42 pm
How appropriate! i have moved too!
Lol – sorry
I am glad you are feeling better today.
Efx2 is suffering from strange convulsions so I joined Vox
aintgotno said,
July 9, 2008 at 12:51 am
omg bunnies …
Lady Visine said,
July 9, 2008 at 7:22 am
Poor Ben! It’s really the shits when you feel so rotten that you have to leave the lake early. Hopefully, you’ve got all that crap out of your system now & you’re on the mend. Do keep yourself hydrated, stick to the bland grub for a bit longer and in the end (pun intended, dear – that’s what friends doo, ya know) whatever was cleaning your clock will work itself out.
Seriously, hope you’re feeling all well by now and your lotus blossom isn’t any worse for all that action it recently had. *hugs*
Bitzky said,
July 9, 2008 at 10:27 pm
Dang, it seems to be transmitted by blogs, because I had something very similar recently! I can relate and sympathize. Glad that it’s over.
Still, you managed to make it sound hilarious!
Bitzky said,
July 9, 2008 at 10:28 pm
PS. Am at bitzky.blogspot.com
frombirthtodeath said,
July 9, 2008 at 11:42 pm
That really blows, Ben. I had what HB and I call “issues” on Saturday and had to leave a massage to take care of things, but it was nothing like what you describe. The joint aches are cause by dehydration, no surprise there – you are majorly dehydrated. Fluids, sleep. Repeat.
Deej said,
July 10, 2008 at 2:12 am
That sucketh most terribly, Ben! I hope you’re feeling better by the time you read this!
For the record, I’ve opened a blog over here at wordpress. I think I like the way this place works more than I like Vox. Would it be okay if I linked you?
stacey said,
July 10, 2008 at 5:24 am
ow! i hope you are feeling better! *gentle hugs*
heidiland said,
July 10, 2008 at 6:11 am
That’s the shits, isn’t it?
Literally. That sucks a monkey nugget. I really hope you are feeling better soon.
I don’t have any bunnies that I can spare, unfortunately. Would you mind a chinchilla?
LOTGK said,
July 10, 2008 at 3:09 pm
That’s no way to lose weight.
Several years back I had a three day stomach virus.
Two exits, no waiting!
I feel for you. I actually lived in the one bathroom. It came on me so fast I didn’t have time to run (no pun) to the bathroom.
I lost 16 pounds.
Very terrible.
You will get better soon, it was pass. (pun intended)
slayerbarbie said,
July 10, 2008 at 6:13 pm
I’ll send you my bunny fur. It’s not as if I wear it, seeing as I live in the pits of Hell known as Texas.
frombirthtodeath said,
July 13, 2008 at 10:53 pm
Now that you are over it, I can share this lovely little short: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DS5OOzXv3Q8&feature=related