06.19.08
beat it
Imagine if you will two friends, both male, one married and one single. We’ll call them Barry and Edward, Barry being my the single one and my cousin. Ed moved away a few years ago and it had been a while since the two buddies had seen each other. Last weekend Edward and his family came up for a short visit and with his wife’s permission (because all good husbands ask permission) he decided to hit the watering hole with his old friend for a night of catching up and drunkenness.
Barry got home at about 1:30 am, he is not a lightweight by any stretch but he knows when he is fully loaded and it’s time to quit. He had only been asleep (passed out) for a while when he heard something and opened one eye to find he was not alone in his room. In his inebriated state he assumed it was another friend Marty and although he wondered why the fellow would be standing at the end of his bed he either didn’t have the wits to ask or didn’t care what he was doing there. This begged the question from me “Do your friends often show up uninvited in your bedroom in the middle of the night?” To which Barry replied, “Just listen to the rest of the story.”
When he awoke in the morning Barry discovered that all of the bedding from his spare room was piled on the floor at the foot of his bed and all of his porn was strewn about the room…and Barry has a lot of porn. Apparently Ed, after many many beverages, was feeling the need to sew his seed and since he and his wife were staying at her parents he knew he’d not be getting any action from her so he decided to take care of business manually…at the foot of Barry’s bed while his buddy was sleeping!!!
I did ask Barry if there were any ‘pop art’ prints around the room or if there was any disturbance in his rectal area and he swore there wasn’t though I don’t think he’d be admitting it if there was. If Ed was bold enough to spank his monkey in the presence of his friend I am not sure he wouldn’t try to shoot for the moon.
I’ve had some good friends in my life but thankfully none of them have ever felt comfortable enough with me to overstep the boundaries of friendship in that particular way. I’m quite ok with that. As for Barry, he says that this might be the worst thing that Ed has done but he’s come close (no pun intended) before. Apparently one morning Barry was in the shower when he smelled a horrific stench. He peeked out the curtain to find Ed sitting on his toilet taking a shit. Ed was a little early picking Barry up for breakfast and told him matter of factly when questioned on his (lack of) decorum, “When you gotta go you gotta go.”
By that logic apparently “when you gotta come, you gotta come” too.
oniongirl said,
June 20, 2008 at 5:40 am
mwuahaahaa! oh hell. i’m crying here… too much laughter is a painful thing.
honestly, i think barry is a cool mate, because i’m not sure i could swipe an image like that from my visual board, and have any kind of reasonable conversation with said friend again.
i have had the distinct displeasure of sharing a teensy motel room with a male mate who refused to forgo on the rum soaked morning ‘movement’ – and that tested me sorely enough.
i have to wonder if he’d be quite as disturbed if the friend was female or a tad disappointed that the action was limited to the end of the bed? men are kinda odd that way.
Roxanne said,
June 20, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Um, sounds like Barry needs to have a talk with his friend. An “I’m just not that into you” talk.
Frigging creepy!
Steve said,
June 20, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Gads, man. I might have to choke the dude. Knowing he squeezed one off would be bad, but I could get over it, but waking up amid all the porn…I don’t think I could take enough hot showers to feel clean again.
But it is sort of funny.
frombirthtodeath said,
June 21, 2008 at 12:14 am
To my feeble little Virginia mind, masturbation, by definition, is an act performed ALONE. Passed out friends count as “not alone” in my book, especially if you are in the passed out friend’s house.
frombirthtodeath said,
June 21, 2008 at 12:15 am
Oh, and if you do take care of business in my house, at least clean up the pron when you’re done!
Chica said,
June 21, 2008 at 2:58 pm
The least he could have done was clean up after himself, sheesh. If I were Barry, I’d be checking to see what other things he didn’t clean up either, so it can be exterminated or sterilized! I wouldn’t be cool with someone sitting on my bed rubbing one out while I was sleeping. I’d be cool if they were out of my room, and were quiet and clean with their business. LOL
LOTGK said,
June 21, 2008 at 7:18 pm
Was there a breakfast involved?
heidiland said,
June 22, 2008 at 5:24 pm
For once, Heidi of the Land is… speechless.
I guess he… erm… made himself at home.
It’s kind of like Goldilocks and the three Barrys…
“Someone’s been buttering the bacon in my bed!”
Even if you’ve been friends for a long time… there are boundaries! Crikey…
Squilla said,
June 22, 2008 at 10:53 pm
Ay Carumba!
Bitzky said,
June 25, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Oh gawd. Oh if any of my friends would do.. well, both of those things, I would have smack em really hard. There are just some boundaries of privacy that one does not cross. Like the pr0n! It’s sacred! Barry is one patient guy…
Lady Visine said,
July 9, 2008 at 8:11 am
*crosses one goal off the list of things to do when visiting Ben*
*pouts*
:p
slayerbarbie said,
July 10, 2008 at 6:08 pm
If ever there was an argument to be made for why people should lock their door at night, this is it…..